The Monster Rears Her Ugly Head

Well now, I am dealing with something that I haven’t had to deal with in about a year. I have been counting my blessings, thinking that I’m finally “cured”

But no such luck. Depression doesn’t like to go away. She will just hide until its the most inconvenient time to pop up.

I am not Superwoman, and yet I try to do EVERYTHING. School, getting kids ready for school, volunteering, commuting to dance and soccer (and at one point I considered swim lessons on top of that), arranging a book club and recipe swap.

For the most part, I tell myself its for the kids. I attend school council for my children. I volunteer at their youth group, for THEM. I commute all over God’s green earth FOR THE KIDS. I am giving them memories that were robbed from me during my childhood. And the majority of the time, I love it. It makes them happy. It keeps them out of trouble. I see no huge downfall, except the increase gas bill for my car. I chalk that up to “an investment into their future”  Driving them to youth groups, and other religious events,  really helps instill the love, and the morals and the values that I want them to have. I would go to the ends of the earth to instill that in them.

Soccer and Dance helps them become individuals. They pursue their interest. I could go on and on.

The rest of it, thats for me. Book club and recipe swap and knitting club. That is so I don’t lose MYSELF in Mom.

But lately, I have been sick, and now I think it is related to anxiety. I have suffered from  lived with Depression for 13 years, and more recently, in the past 4 years, I started suffering mild panic attacks. Nothing that caused me great concern. I had to stop and concentrate on my breathing for awhile, and then it went away.

Now, however, I am wheezing and gasping for breath, and I even called an ambulance yesterday.

The thought that I CAN’T “do it all” has me really upset. And that is JUST the opening Depression needed to get to me. I woke up this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed for Homework Time (yes, I make my kids do homework for an hour before they can “unlock” the tv or Nintendo DS.) And then that small, quiet voice in the back of my head.

“Why are you doing this? Is being Mom even WORTH any of the headache you got? Can’t someone else do a much better job than you have been??”

I almost entertained these thoughts. But I know that once I entertain them, that voice, she will get louder. It has taken me over two years to get her to the point where she is just a quiet voice. Two years ago, she would scream at me, and all logic was lost in her wails. A year ago,she was still persistent, and I listened to her too much. Now, I nearly almost forgot she was there. I DO NOT want to go back to where her voice is the only voice I can hear.

YES it is worth it! I may not see any of the results that I want immediately, but I see enough to know that continuing WILL pay off.

I am doing this because I DO NOT want my children to grow up thinking that they had something to do with my giving up.

Yes, someone else MAY do a better job than I, but so what?? I was granted these children for a reason. Who am I to question that? Obviously Someone Greater Than I feels that I am capable of raising these kids and who am I to disappoint Him?

So no! Depression, you can go back to where you have been hiding all this time. I will not succumb to your tricks again.

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