It has been awhile. But I guess that is what happens when a mother of two tries to attend university full time, run a small business, all while maintaining friendships, and trying to keep a healthy relationship with her husband.
Today, I had a transitional meeting for Baby. She finishes up Grade 1 in about 4 weeks. The school she attends wanted to have a meeting with her teacher, the principal, the school psychologist, and me to discuss her IEP. (which, I am STILL awaiting on receiving, but that is neither here nor there.)
We discussed the goals that we made way back in February and whether or not she met them. We talked about where she is academically, and where we want her to be before September. We brainstormed ways in which I could help her reach those milestones.
I mean, all in all, it was a really productive, and positive meeting. I love the fact that the school is staying to proactive in Baby’s education. It definitely isn’t a “here’s some meds, now that she is drugged she can follow along with the other sheep” that many parents of non-ADHDers think happen. They want to see my little girl succeed.
But, I must say that even though it was a positive meeting, I left feeling overwhelmed and drained. Things have been going decently well over the past few months. The weekends are tough because she doesn’t take her medication so that means self regulating her emotions are behaviour are much harder which leads to more emotional outbreaks and WAY more redirection. But as a family, we are aware of the hardships that come with the diagnosis, and we work together to stay patient with her.
So why then, did I leave this meeting on the verge of tears?
Perhaps it is the fact that it is yet another reminder that my “perfect little family” dream is all a façade. Never again can I dream of having a happy, normal, family because the cloud of a neurobehavioural disorder is always looming overhead. While I have come to terms with that fact time and time again, its never a happy feeling to have that reminder. Success in school came easy to me when I was a child. In fact, I was that student that got bored with school because everything was TOO easy. I taught myself to read when I was 3, when I was in grade 1 I was reading books meant for Jr HIgh students. In Grade 2 I was doing Grade 4 math, in Grade 6 I taught myself basic algebra, in Grade 8, I was doing Grade 12 math. Having to sit down and brainstorm ways in which my daughter can be successful academically is yet another reminder that a mainstream childhood is out of the question for my girl.
Perhaps another reason I was on the verge of tears was while reviewing the goals, I was shocked to actually hear how she actually was doing. When Baby was first diagnosed, she was paying attention to the teacher about 20% of the time. Our goal was to have her paying attention 60% of the time by the end of the year. I reviewed this goal, and thought to myself, Good luck. But I didn’t say anything because really, that is what a goal should be. Something to reach for, something to work hard towards. It shouldn’t come easy, and if you fail so what? At least we tried.
I was told this morning that Baby is paying attention in class 70-80% of the time. And for any 6 year old that is pretty dang impressive. That is a huge success, and I wanted to shout for joy for my Babydoll.
Or perhaps the fact that I was in attendance at this meeting is just yet another glaring reminder that I am in fact Mom, and there is no escaping that fact. I will be mom for the rest of my natural life. No matter how long I fill that role, it scares me every single time I am reminded of it.